Pack this.

Each night somewhere between 3-6 boxes are assembled, packed, and sealed in preparation for the GREAT SAUVE RELOCATION PROJECT OF 2013.  The house has been successfully sold and barring any Greek-esque financial collapse from the buyer, she will close at the end of the month. The storage unit of love has been rented and the movers are almost in place. No, a new home has not yet been acquired so the plan is to bounce between parents and friends for the foreseeable future. By the time this is over my OCD will have me feeling like a mangled metal slinky.

Anthony Jeselink

Here are some of my favorite jokes from Anthony Jeselnik's performance this past Friday night.
Yes, these are completely tasteless and to me, completely hysterical. If you are offended by anything, please keep reading. You should grow a little today.

For example; at the roast of Donald Trump he said; "The only difference between you and Michael Douglas in the movie Wall Street is that no one's gonna be sad when you get cancer."

Hours after the Boston Marathon Bombing he tweeted; "There are some lines that shouldn't be crossed today. Especially the finish line."

Get the picture? 

Read the following as dry as possible. Extra lines and periods equals extra pause.  For examples of his timing watch any of these, http://www.comedycentral.com/video-clips/ntpkhm/stand-up-anthony-jeselnik--airport-bar

1) My friend recently had a miscarriage... She was carrying triplets...I know, *tragic*...

Why do things like this always happen in 3's?


2) Atlanta is full of beautiful women.  Hot girls everywhere.  Everyone says really hot girls are really stupid.....But I met this absolutely gorgeous girl in a hotel bar once, and I asked her what she did......She told me she was a brain surgeon.....

Now I don’t wanna sound sexist, but I was REALLY impressed by that…………

Not many girls can pull of sarcasm.”


3) It's great to be in Atlanta... Atlanta is a great city... Atlanta is a very safe place...

I mean, there are no marathons here.

I laughed for 60 minutes. It was an evening of pure joy for me.

Near the end of the set Anthony asked if anyone has any questions to ask him.
My friends and I loosely talked about a question over dinner should the opportunity arise and
I shot fast. "Is 'Inside Amy Schumer' (his girlfriend's TV show on Comedy Central) about your dating life?"

His response; "If that was true it would be called "All Over Amy's Face!!!" He continued; "But if you think you're even the 1000th person to make that joke, there's a guy over there with a check for you."

I was insulted by one of the funniest guys working today. I'll float on that for a while.

And the home of the this

I attend about 7 collegiate football games a year and watch between 8-10 bowl games with earnest. Add in the World Series, a few NFL playoff games (if the Falcons are still playing), the Super Bowl, the circus, and a few miscellaneous public gatherings and I probably hear the National Anthem about 30 times a year.

But healthy Major League Baseball players hear the Star Spangled Banner a minimum of 162 times a year. Then add the other sporting events they probably watch and attend and they are easily pushing the 200 mark.  Which leads me to this. I hope there is some secret Yahoo forum where MLB players double as National Anthem enthusiasts. Athletes completely geeking out over moving performances while warning each other of which parks have bad sound systems or consistently have the worst talent.  If rule 34 exists, then surely this has too as well.

Crush this

I recently found myself in the Meadowgrove Swim and Tennis complex*. When I stepped onto the property I was immediately transported back to 1994 and the last and only time I visited this place. I was 18 and was about to or just graduated high school.  It was a party for that class and somewhat officially sanctioned. As my two males friends and I walked through the gravel parking lot I was greeted by a female friend I always had a small crush on; she was out of my league.

She did the color guard thing for a few years but then switched over to soccer which only made her cuter. We were in the same homeroom for all four years and despite our high school/social class differences she was always incredibly sweet and kind. But as I approached the pool that night she ran towards me in in a two-piece suit in what could only be described as a teenage and very innocent Baywatch-esque moment.  She nearly knocked off my feet with her enthusiastic bear hug. She might have been drinking, I didn't know and I didn't care. My friend's jaws were on the ground, so there was that bonus. I hadn't remembered that moment since it happened but it came rushing back when I drove onto the parking lot. I haven't seen her since but we recently reconnected on the Bookface. She has a beautiful family and everything seems right in her world, which is the way you want things to work out for nice people.

*very loose usage of the term.

Plunge this

Did you see the Rubbermaid Clean and Dry plunger video?  Why don't we line the interior of toilets, showers, and pipes with this stuff? No more cleaning, clogs, and no more soap scum if that's still a thing in your life. And bathroom sinks! No more toothpaste residue. And what about dishes coated in this substance? Now we don't need a dishwasher. Suck it Al Gore, I just saved the planet. 

Dollar Shave Club day 2

My second shave with Klout's comp'd Dollar Shave Club razor and Shave Butter was face only, no noggin. My utilization of the ribbed handle was better and again there was no burn or irritation. The lack of bend to the blade and subsequently a lack of conformity to the shaving area is still a little annoying as I kept finding small missed patches but I'll gladly trade a few extra strokes for a painless and irritant-free shave. So far so good. 

Shave this

I don't believe in Klout's algorithm.  The idea is great but without sharing the formula and showing how the results are obtained, I don't have a lot of faith in their math. Example, if a day-old twitter account can achieve a score in the 80s, *COUGH* (Bronx Zoo Cobra and others). Klout is like learning about Bill Brasky at a bar. It's bullshit until you prove it. 

And the touted "Klout perks"; the carrot they dangle to encourage users to post and interact more frequently to drive your score higher. Until last week I had never received a perk I was interested in or one I was actually able to claim. Last week I received notification I had earned a Klout perk from Dollar Shave Club. DSC as you'll remember launched with a highly popular video and at the time I was amused and intrigued. But getting me to change such a crucial routine is tougher than gas station beef jerky. I don't want to commit to a monthly payment right out of the gate. I want to try the product and then maybe we'll talk about a second date.

The perk was a sample of their new Shave Butter.  I don't know why "shave butter" sounds so hysterical to me but I clicked over and VERY SURPRISINGLY was able to claim my perk. I expected to receive it in 6-8 weeks and went on my way. But a scant few days later I opened the box and under the neatly wrapped packing was full bottle of Shave Butter (not a sample size), a new razor handle and four "The 4X" blade cartridges. Congratulations Dollar Shave Club, you exceeded my expectations and now have my full attention. If we were at a nice bar, at this point you've noticed my taste in small batch whiskeys, asked the bartender what I've been drinking, and sent me a double of something delicious.  

Tonight Dollar Shave Club and I got in the shower together. With a scrubbed and lathered up face we went to work taming my face place.  The first thing I noticed was that it didn't take a lot of Shave Butter to cover my sharing areas that include my face and head. There were no off-putting aromas but I also can't remember what it smelled like.

The handle is hefty but not in a way that renders it useless. You know you're holding something solid and it doesn't feel cheap. 

Photo: www.msjx.org

Despite the ribbed-EVERYWHERE-for-her pleasure handle, once I got it wet (sorry) I didn't feel the same level of control I feel from my Gillette Mach3. There is a higher slippery factor with this handle when compared to my standard but not so much that it ever became unwieldy.

"The 4X" cartridges are DSC's middle of the road offering with "The Humble Twin" having two blades and "The Executive" with six being the other options. The cartridge snapped on securely with zero safety issues.

Shaving my face with this razor and butter might have been the best self-applied face shave I've ever experienced. Very few repeat swipes and no irritation post shave, especially in the Adam's apple area.  Shaving my head was a little challenging. The blades don't offer a lot of bend or flexibility meaning they don't conform to the curve of my head and with a brand new razor I didn't need or want to apply too much pressure. More swipes were needed because only the center portion of the blades were making contact with my head.

The extra plastic on the sides of the cartridge made shaving where my ear meets head at the temple interesting. I got it done but only after a few tries with a new technique. It took a little longer to shave my head than normal but that should be lessened as I get to know the product.

2 hours later I still feel freshly shaven with no oiliness or razor burn.  I've been using a Mach3 since at least 2000. I've tried other options but always come home to mama. But this experience makes me think about subscribing to SHC. For six American dollars per month I would receive 4 "The 4x" blades. I want to see how the blades wear through a week of normal usage then compare the cost to the Mach3. If the blades hold up all month and are a cost effective option to the Mach3, I'm pretty sure I'll sign up.

Sell this

Just realized...

The cost to convert the attic into an office plus the cost of the kitchen upgrades is greater than the profit we are making from selling the house.

In other words...we lost money on this house.