Dream this

Last night's journey into the subconscious was odd to say the least.

I got to travel to Rome with the purpose of meeting the Pope. Evidently this blog caught someone's eye at the Vatican and the Pope thought he could *save* me if I was to meet a man in a funny hat.

The meeting took place in the Pope's hospital room. The room was pure white in every way imaginable. The Pope was lying in bed with the feeding tube up his nose taking lunch. By the color of the fluid, I can only guess, he was dining on some bologna. sandwiches.

The sight of the feeding tube in action caused me to hurl in his holiness's trash can. Evidently the Pope's stomach is as strong as mine, because then he started vomiting. This meeting turned into a "dude, if you hurl, then I'm going to blow chunks" kind of thing.

I woke up scratching my head and wondering what I wanted to eat for breakfast.


I've been researching i-Pods. I called the Apple store at Lenox and asked a couple of questions. I really like the idea of holding every piece of music that I own in the palm of my hand. I'm' just nervous about putting $300+ towards a piece of technology that is moving so fast.

Draft this

I was going through my posts and reading rants/vents/thoughts hadn't posted. In an effort to clean up stuff here is a montage of thoughts.


1)
I personally am sick and tired of the lack of etiquette that accompanies cell phones. (Yes, I do realize that I am paid by a cell phone company thus this little rant could be construed as hypocritical, I don't care.) If I'm holding your phone to fix it and it's starts ringing; do NOT snatch it out of my hand to take the call. Unless your wife is calling because she just went into labor; it is can wait 5 minutes.


2)
There are so many things I don't understand.

I don't understand why people act the way they do. I don't understand why people do things to purposefully hurt others. I don't understand why I was an ass towards certain people during times of my life. I don't understand why I have intentionally hurt others or why we (as a society) continue to do so. I don't understand so many things.

I can list everything and time I hurt someone with scary precision, but I struggle to list ten things I did to make someone else genuinely happy.

Will we ever get to a point where we (individually and as a society) will stop hurting others? I know the answer to this, but the answer sucks worse than passing a kidney stone (or so I'm told and by the way I really miss seeing Jim).

Recently, someone I really don't know took a risk and got hurt. Is the risk ever worth the gamble? I know the answer to this too, but is the answer ever truly revealed? I don't think so. I think you finally get the answer to that when you die, and the answer that is given just happens to be the answer at that point in your life.

I'm not as smart as the people listed to the right and will probably never will be. I know I'm lucky enough not to have pissed them off enough for them to end my relationship with them. But, still we have all done things that weren't right.

We could take the easy road out and blame "human nature". But that's bullshit and we all know it.

I'm sure sure why I'm writing this, and I'm not sure if I'll post it and if I do post it, I'm going to pissed I did, because I don't like entries like this. I like to keep it light and hopefully (knock on wood) funny.

So, what do we (read "I") do about it. Well, I can probably make a conscious effort not to make rash decisions. That would help for starters.

What else?

I don't know.


3)
Last night I traveled to Alpharetta to hang with Dave B and Stacy for what turned out to be a very entertaining evening.

This restaurant/bar has a casino night every week. While the casino night portion of the evening was a bit cheesy, the bartenders were incredible.

I think at some point we have all seen "flair" bartenders. The guys that throw bottles and glasses into the air while pouring drinks. If you need an example think Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

I know what you're thinking. "Big deal, the guys can throw AND catch things." What made them so much fun is that they broke stuff. A lot of stuff and on purpose. After making a round of shots, instead of neatly staking the glasses on the counter to go wash them, they would stack the glasses and smash them on the floor behind the bar. OUTSTANDING!!! They broke everything, shot glasses, beer bottles, tumblers, martini, highballs, lowballs, you name it they broke it.

At one point I ordered a Jack and Diet Coke, he sat the drink on the bar and then realized he made the wrong drink. Save it for someone else? Nope, the whole thing went flying over his shoulder and onto the floor. Part of me cringed seeing perfectly good Jack Daniels go to waste, but the other half was highly amused that they didn't care.


4)
I have had the worst recurring nightmare, once a month, for the past year, and it happened again last night but with an added twist.

During the dream, I'm in my house during the day taking a nap. I'm startled awake by someone trying to suffocate me with a ziplock bag over my head. I always wake up before "dying" in a pool of sweat, breathing very hard, and scared out of my mind. I've never seen the assailant until last night and it turned out to be a friend of mine.

After I struggled to get free, we sat on the sofa and had a very pleasant conversation about sports. I ended the conversation with saying goodbye and wishing him luck in killing me next time.

I don't believe your dreams have hidden meaning, but I did think that opening this up for discussion could be funny.

Marriage this

Bryan, is the bass player in Funkle Ester and two days ago he proposed to


Meredith, the lead singer.

And she said yes!!!

Big Congrats kids!!! Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

Someone asked a very good question. Does this mean we have to play the reception?

Neato this

I realize that I'm probably a few years behind everyone else with the whole internet thing, so my apologies if you've already seen this site.

And when I die this

I have a few ways in which I don't want to die. In fact, I would much rather take my own life then die in the following ways;

Burned alive
Drowning
Starvation/Dehydration

But outside of those, this might be the *shittiest* way to go. Yes I know, bad pun, no biscuit.

Mangina this

I don't know if you liked the original but here is the site for the sequel coming out this August.

Blog this

The retail gig was busy enough today that I had no time to write. And to be totally honest, I had nothing to write about, but I promised myself that I would try and to this everyday. So here we are.

Brett is hosting a funny game, go play.

Work was profitable and because it was busy, time went by fast. I had one customer all day that decided I should be his personal punching bag.

Dear Asshole,

Don't ask for help then interrupt me every time I speak and try to give you the help that you asked for.

Thanks.


Something happened at work today that I sort of got in trouble for. I didn't get yelled at, it was more of a; "he's still kind of new and didn't know" kind of thing.

Fuck that.

"He's still kind of new and didn't know" equals "If he had been trained WELL, this wouldn't have happened."

I gave a customer very good service and I went beyond what most people would do in this particular situation. But training at this job is about as plentiful as the amount of food in Terri Schiavo's stomach.

With all the corporate bull shit that exists in this job, you would think that the training would be standardized. Nope. When I started, I spent two days on a computer taking online classes on how cell phones work, but very little was related on how to actually do my job. So when I take some initiative that makes sense to me, I'm looked down on and that pisses me off.

I'll make you a deal; you take the time to explain how you want me to do my job, I'll make a concerted effort not to screw up.

By the way it turns out that every time I tell someone to "Call the office of the President", our store gets in trouble. Oops!!! No one told me that either.

UW-M this

Sorry Corley

Fed-Ex this

I got my computer back!!!!!

Fed-Ex delivered it about 3:00 this afternoon. Contrary to my request, It came back with XP Service Pack 1 as the OS. So for two hours, I had the pleasure of installing a bunch of updates that I had to have just so I could install SP2 properly. With the exception of total data loss, I'm slowly getting everything back to normal.


Last night was good. A lot of beer, friends and laughter. Sorry to be brief, but time to head to Buckhead for the show.

Funkle Ester - Andrew's Upstairs - 10:30 PM - Tonight

Fed-Ex this

I got my computer back!!!!!

Fed-Ex delivered it abour 3:00 this afternoon. Contrary to my request, It came back with XP Service Pack 1 as the OS. So for two hours, I had the pleasure of installing a bunch of updates that I had to have just so I could install SP2 properly. With the exception of total data loss, I'm slowly getting everything back to normal.


Last night was good. A lot of beer, friends and laughter. Sorry to be brief, but time to head to Buckhead for the show.

Funkle Ester - Andrew's Upstairs - 10:30 PM - Tonight

Play this

Last night I attended a rehearsal for an Easter gig at the typical over developed-East Snobb County Baptist Church.

The rehearsal was excactly as I expected..................pretty rough. See Gunner for a more complete and "furnished" story of the rehearsal.

I have made it a rule that I do not go to church unless I'm getting paid to be there. Ala Easter!!!

I'm stuck up about church, I just don't like going. I do enjoy the camaraderie of a large group of people gathering in a positive atmosphere. What I find disturbing is listening to pastors, preachers, ministers, and priests that can't practice what they preach.

While I respect what they're trying to do, each and everyone of them are supposed to set an example to those who follow. They should be the pillar of morality that fits in with their particular brand of religion.

Examples: If you can't be a good parent/spouse; or if molesting alter boys is your thing, if you take more from the offering plate than you're supposed to, or if you can't be a decent human being to others around you, don't get on the pulpit and preach at me.

To be really clear here, I am NOT holding myself above these people. I just believe that if you are going to preach to the masses about spirituality and morality, then you aught to be the one leading the pack.

It was a very odd experience going back into a place that I once considered alive, vibrant and full of hope and realizing that it in fact was quite dead.

Ok, that was depressing.

I don't have Mr. Pink Eye. I was thrilled this morning to awake to eyelids that opened and my wife naked putting on makeup. Was that too much information? Probably. Sorry.

The retail gig has been very uneventful and only an hour to go until I get out of here for the next three days. I'm probably going to let the dog out and then head out for a decent dinner with a few glasses of fine brew. I'm thinking Wild Wing with Terrapin. mmmMMMMmmmm................

Happy Birthday to me and if you want to get me something nice you can get me either a job planning events.................Or come to the Funkle Show tomorrow night at Andrew's Upstairs in Buckhead.

Andrew's this

Just when I thought this week couldn't get much worse, it got a lot better.

Funkle Ester is back on for Friday night at Andrew's Upstairs.

Evidently, our booker went to the club last night and busted some faces wide open. You go T-Roy!!!

So, you're probably asking yourself............
"What does this mean for me?"

Well, I'm glad you asked.

It means you must follow the simple plan I have laid out for you below.

Friday, March 25th, 2005

9:00 PM - take a shower (optional, if you have bathed earlier in the day and do not smell bad)

10:00 PM - get in a motor vehicle that works and drive here.

10:30 PM - Arrive here, pay a small cover charge, and enjoy the show.

12:00 AM - show ends and you buy me a drink to help me celebrate the anniversary of being squeezed from my mother's vagina.

All kidding aside, you should come out and buy me drinks.

No really, please come out Friday night and help us have a good time. I will even promise that, the more you drink, the better we'll sound. And if you don't like what you hear, you can always make fun of our outfits.


Confession time...I have an unnatural fear of Pink Eye. I had it once as a teenager and it is NOTHING I want to relive. EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.

A co-worker named O-Low (no shit, his name is pronounced "O-Low") just got back from a three week trip to Nigeria. In case you didn't know, Nigeria is the native land of Pink Eye. Pink Eye wanted to visit the states so Pink Eye hitched a ride on O-Low.

Before telling any of us about his foreign friend, we all welcomed O-Low back by shaking his hand and being in his general vicinity. A few hours later he tells us about THE PUSS DRAINING FROM HIS EYES.......................God Damn it.

Unlike my wife, I am not OCD about germs. Unless it is Mr. Pink Eye. I turn into a Class A Hypochondriac when it comes to Pink Eye. I don't know how many dozens of times I have washed my hands in the past 36 hours. I don't touch my eyes unless I have too and when I do, I rush to the bathroom to wash them all over again.

After washing my hands, I use paper towels to open all the doors at the retail gig. I don't touch anything unless I absolutely HAVE to and just to make sure, I stay the hell away from O-Low, his desk, his computer, his air, anything that has touched O-Low.

All of this leads us to........

I think I have Pink Eye. I won't know definitively until tomorrow morning when my eyes will either be fine and pink free or glued shut with eye-oozing puss. I'm been feeling the symptoms all evening. But, I'm pretty sure that the symptoms I've been feeling are totally imaginary, fueled only by my hated of Pink Eye.

But don't let my made up symptoms of fake Pink Eye prohibit you from coming out to Andrew's Upstairs Friday night at 10:30 SHARP. I promise, if you come to the show, I will not, under any circumstance, give you Pink Eye.

But just to be safe, you might want to avoid the East Snobb Smingular store for a few days. At least until this epidemic clears up.

Retail bliss this

I've noticed that I haven't had any good stories to share about the retail gig. That has made me wonder if I have become totally numb to the consumers of Snobb County. Numb to their bitching, whining, moaning, and complaining.

And then today happened and I'm still laughing.

This guy comes in with a very old phone. He states that his reception is getting worse and worse and that it is "my fault" as he points his rather small index finger at me. Immediately, we've gotten off to a GREAT start here.

He goes on to say that he is *willing* to switch to our new network but he is not going to pay for a phone.

I politely (yes, I was polite) told him that I could not *GIVE* him a phone because we were not currently selling any free phones.

He then raised his voice repeating that his poor reception was "MY FAULT" and that he was not going to pay for a phone. At this point I felt it was time to be a tad blunt.

"Sir", I said with a dead pan voice, "If I worked at Wal-Mart I could not just GIVE you a VCR, what makes you think I can just GIVE you a cell phone."

He glares at me as if he just caught me in bed with his wife.

He comes back at me with, "Fine, I'll just take my service somewhere else."

He pauses as if he thinks this phrase means anything to me and will magically cause me to steal from the company.

Now that he has threatened me, I guess I'll bend over the desk and let him find his new free phone that is somewhere up my ass.

I said nothing, I just maintained a blank stare at him, until he stood up in a huff and left.

As this gem of an Asshole walked out, a college aged prick dressed in a Ga Tech Sweatshirt walked in.

He wanted to buy something that we didn't have in stock. A normal polite person, might ask where they could find said object. But not from a Tech fan, oh no!!! He went onto berate and belittle the employee that tried to help him.

For future reference, if we don't have what you are looking for, please berate and belittle us. It will cause whatever you are looking for to appear out of thin air. Or if you insult us enough, we will try to whittle you a car charger out of the dead tree behind the store.

You're looking good buddy. You have successfully upheld the image of Tech fans that I've come to know. You're lookin Jacket!!!

Different this

Yesterday set a new record for comments. Thanks to all who shared their thoughts and opinions.

People are going to continue to feel a great deal of passion when it comes to gun control, abortion, politics, drugs, the list goes on. And my best guess here is that no one will ever be viewed as correct. There will always be two, three, four, two hundred sides to every issue.

In addition to our feelings and passions that sometimes boil over, we have the added joy of Big Brother that thinks they know better than us.

Maybe we should stop focusing on our differences and focus instead on keeping our rights intact. (Cue Lee Greenwood music, cause this is about to get bad) Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought this country was founded on the ideas of freedom; allowing people to make their own choices without the influence of government.

The Federal Government should do three things.
Maintain the military
Maintain our borders
Keep the food and water supply safe

That it, end of fucking list.

If you can list one thing, other than the military, that the federal government runs well, then I'll shut up (on this) and sit down.

Here I'll give you some ideas.
Amtrak.......nope
Social Security.........HA!!!
No child left behind........riiiight....
FCC........nope


By the way does anyone else think that whole Barry Bond "knee surgery" is just a little too convenient? Like he's trying to deflect the whole steroids issue.

Count this

I rushed home from work yesterday to get perfectly situated on the couch with my laptop. I anxiously waited for Microsoft to call me up so we could perform this mysterious "Parallel Instillation". 6:00 - nothing; 7 - nothing; 8 - nothing; 9 PM, I hit the record button on the VCR and moved everything upstairs.

I figured Murphy's law was going to kick in at any moment and Microsoft was going to call during "24". To avoid upsetting my wife or me, I just taped it and went upstairs to await their phone call.

10:00 - nothing

11:00 - nothing and this was the cut off time I gave them. They said they would call between 6 and 11.

I called in AGAIN, and proceeded to tell the woman that answered the phone, that,

"No, rescheduling was not going to work for me."

After 2 and a half more hours with "Advanced Windows Support", I was told that nothing could be done and that I had to send my machine off to Compaq. Then they lectured me on the proper protocols for installing "Service Pack 2". My response was,

"Why don't you just make a product that works right the first time?"

He didn't find that amusing.

I packed up my laptop today and after lunch a Fed-Ex guy is going to be stopping by to take it from me for an entire week!!! Damn you Microsoft!!! You vile Evil Son of a Motherless Goat!!!

I started researching refurbished Apple Powerbooks last night.


The following came to me from my mother-in-law.

Point: The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

Point: Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

Point: Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Point: The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.

Point: The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

Point: The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.0000188.

By these facts we can conclude that, statistically speaking, doctors are approximately 9095 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Fact: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand.

Funkle this

No Funkle Ester show this Friday at Andrew's Upstairs.

Don't ask why, it's too long to explain. Just feel free to flick off that club the next time you drive by it. A make up date in the works.

So, if you don't have plans for Friday night, feel free to give us a call.

By the way, it 7:20 PM and Microsoft is already an hour and 20 minutes late in calling me for our scheduled "parallel instillation".

This is shaping up to be a really shitty week.

Bad Human, no biscuit

Yet another sign that some people should not procreate.

This is just scary

A story hit the wire earlier today about a registered sex offender living within 1000 feet of an elementary school in Fulton County. It was reported that he was discovered using an online database.

I was motivated by this story to research how many registered sex offenders were living in my community. I searched using my zip code and I was stunned to find 13!!! 13 not in my county but IN MY ZIP CODE!!!

Being ever the currious type; I searched all of Marietta and and was shocked to count up over 100. 102 to be excact.

Ok, let's check some other cities out. Alpharetta rings in at 22 and Athens gets 43.


Your thoughts?

MICROSOFT REALLY REALLY FUCKING SUCKS

Back story:
Microsoft developed a hideous Operating System known as Microsoft XP. It was so bad that they had to write an upgrade for it called "Service Pack 2". Service Pack 2 was not properly tested and has caused basic functions to stop working on my computer, turning my laptop into an 800 dollar paperweight.

A month ago the first problem surfaced. I noticed that I could not access the internet. The problem was solved quickly and easily enough after spending an hour on the phone with a Microsoft Support Professional. And although that problem was fixed very easily, I was still annoyed at Microsoft for distributing a product that obviously wasn't well tested.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I discovered that my CDROM/DVD/Burner combo drive stopped working. After some research on the internet I discovered that this was another problem with Service Pack 2. And unfortunately there was no easy fix for this. This was going to suck ass.

Fast forward to today:

After spending an estimated 5 total hours on the phone with "Microsoft Customer Support for Service Pack 2" over the past two days, my CD drive is still not working. It's not that it's simply not working, but that the computer doesn't even recognize that it exists.

After all this time, the service *professional* said:

"Sir, we have exhausted every possible solution and nothing has worked, you must contact the manufacturer to get resolution for this problem."

'CUSE ME!!!!

I wanted to scream;
"YOU DID THIS!!! YOUR POORLY TESTED PIECE OF SHIT PRODUCT DID THIS YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! YOU FIX IT!!!"

But because I would hate to be blacklisted when I call in to get help with the inevitable "Service Pack 3"; I held my tongue.

So in accordance with Microsoft's wishes, I spent 2 hours on the phone today with my manufacturer. The solution Compaq gave me was to give them my machine and let them fix it at a service center; then return it to me in a week.


Good news...This solution would be free of charge and they would even pay for the shipping.


Bad news...There is no guarantee that my information and data would be there when I got my machine back.

Ok, even with the possibility of losing all my data, I must admit that this is not a bad deal considering that Compaq did nothing to screw up my machine.

(Please hold all snide comments about Compaq until the end of the presentation. I have yet to have a problem with Compaq or their support center, its been Microsoft that has been the perpetual pain in my ass.)

While I'm pondering this course of action, the customer service professional proudly states that he has thought of a solution to prevent me losing data during the fixing process at the service center.

The guy tells me that I can make a backup of my data using the CD Burner.

"Great idea!!!" I said, "But my CD DRIVE DOESN'T WORK!!!"

Are you starting to sense my level of frustration?

I made an appointment to meet a Fed-Ex guy when and where he will take my machine to the service center to be fixed.

Not one to be satisfied with letting Microsoft get away with stealing over 20 hours of my life, I called Microsoft back.

All I wanted out of this phone call was some one in a place of authority to listen to me vent and promise that they will try harder in the future.

I get the token greeter girl, who's name is Tanya, which brought back pleasant memories of a very cute Georgette from my college days. She asked how she could help me and I very calmly told her that I wished to yell at someone.

She uttered a cute, small laugh and asked what my problem was. I briefly explained that Service Pack 2 screwed up my computer and that I was going to to have to send it off to be fixed and when it came home it probably wouldn't have any of my data left on it.

She told me that she was going to forward me to a "Service Professional" and that when he picked up the phone to ask for his supervisor. The supervisors forward the repeated complaints to the software developers.

Woo-Hoo!!! I'm getting close I can just sense it.

I waited on hold for 4 minutes and after I gave Mike the Service Professional, my name, phone number, and case number, the conversation went like this;

Mike: What can I do for you today?
RRS: May I please have your supervisor?
Mike: Sure, may I ask why?
RRS: I want to yell at someone.
Mike: (a good short laugh) May I ask why?

At this point I was ready to scream, but I repeated my complaint and my conversation with Tanya and how she told me to ask for a supervisor and why.

Mike tells me that he will be more than happy to find a supervisor for me. I waited on hold for 8 minutes and when he hopped back on the phone he said;

"Thank you for your patience while I located a supervisor. Unfortunately, they are all in a meeting right now and can't be disturbed. Would you mind if I tried to trouble shoot your problem?"

Fine, here we go.

Two hours later he has my system in such a state that it will not even fully boot up. He says that he has done all he can and we should forward this situation up a level.

Great Job Mike!!! You're really improving my opinion of Microsoft with every breath you take and every word you speak.

It was at this point that I started the "How many different ways to make Bill Gates suffer" List.

He asks for a specific time that this upper echelon of customer service can reach me. Evidently these supreme beings of technical support don't work on the weekends. So tomorrow night when I get home from the retail gig; someone will call and talk me through what is known as a "parallel instillation".

Wish me luck and look for my new website, "deathtobill.com" coming soon.

Anyone got a used Apple laptop for sale?

Home this

Being that my plans for the day have changed from being at work to not being at work; I find myself couch surfing with the laptop planted firmly, well, in my lap.

A couple news things of note. The doctors removed Terri's feeding tube. While I'm happy that this woman's pain and suffering will eventually end, I hope that she doesn't feel anything as she slowly starves to death. Why is assisted suicide illegal? Why can't we as a society do more things right?

Police have found the body of the missing 9 year old Florida girl and a convicted and registed sex offender has confessed to this hideous act.
I can't comprehend people who molest or hurt children. How can you want to do something like this?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. If you hurt a child for your own pleasure you should be put away for the rest of your life. No death penalty for you. You should suffer in a cage and reap all of the rewards that come along with being at the bottom of the prison food chain.

Funny this

About an hour before I closed the store tonight, a mother and son walked in. She was wearing a Wheeler High School Basketball t-shirt. Her son was tall. I quickly put two and two together.

Back story: Wheeler High School, besides being my prep alma mater, recently won the high school basketball tourney.

They were an exceptionally nice and very funny pair. It's always enjoyable serving nice people. The son obviously wanted a very expensive phone and she was willing to bargain a bit with him as this was some type of reward.

Here's part of their conversation.

Son: Momma, I really want this phone.

Momma: I dunno if you deserve it.

Son: But Momma, I caught the first pass of THE GAME..........

Momma: BUT YOU DIDN'T DUNK IT!!!!

At this point I had to excuse myself so I could finish laughing. It was the funniest thing I have ever heard a mother say to a son in public. As they left he hugged his momma and told her thank you, it was a nice moment. She then turned to him and said,

"You ain't gettin a present like this again 'till you score 30."

Attitude this

Well kids, I haven't been in the best of moods for the past week and I thoroughly intend on maintaining this level of shittiness at least through the 25th. Reason you ask?

The impending anniversery of being squeezed from my mother's vagina without meaningful employment.

If you hear of an opening for an event/meeting planner please let me know. Thanks.

Bear with me while I continue to be crabby, I'll feel better after next week.

NCAA Update this

It was an exciting day in the tourney, I hope you all found a few minutes to watch.

Here are the standings after day one.

In first place with 14 out of a possible 16 points....

Mike "Fuck Kansas!!!" K.

Brett, Josh B, and Trina are tied with 13.

Fred and Lamont have 12.

Dave, Ln, Gunner all have 11.

And rounding out the bottom with 10 points each is
Jim "Back the God Damn Truck Up!!!" C.
Kit (no, not the percussionist) K.
Stacy, and myself.

16 games down, 16 to go tomorrow.

Good luck to all.

Bracket this

In the first part of the day, I'm three out of four and yes I did pick UW-M. Go Corley!!!

The store has been dead today. D-E-A-D, Dead.

Being that *non-selling* has become a recurring theme, I took the initiative of bringing in my putter to help pass the time. We discovered that if you use the putter backwards and strike a bouncy ball the right way, we can get some good elevation. Plus add to it that it's a bouncy ball and oh the fun.

Age this

Seriously God..................Ear hair?

Last night I discovered a single, very long hair, in my ear. IN MY FREAKIN' EAR.

This did nothing to improve the recent funk that I've been in regarding aging.

What is ear hair for? Is it really necessary? Is it some evolutionary thing that we just don't know about yet? Are we one day going to breathe through our ears and thus we will need some type of filter?

Penis this

Do NOT open this at work, unless you have an office door.

This link is not explicit and should not get anyone in trouble, but I don't want to be held accountable if you get canned.

"Dear Penis"........the video


And for those of you at home that were worried because I didn't bitch about anything.........don't worry............I found something.


Dear co-worker that keeps shutting off the heater that keeps the coffee hot,

STOP IT!!!!!

The coffee is keeping me from snapping the necks of our beloved customers.

Thank you,

Me

Nuttin this

I got nothing.

No stories of East Snobb Soccer Moms ranting over their cell phone.
No exciting news stories.
Nothing new on the job search.
Sorry, maybe tomorrow.

Funkle has a gig this Saturday night in Suwannee if anyone is interested.

Hopefully tomorrow will be more exciting.

Convict this

That's right you son-of-a-bitch. You're Guilty!!!

How can millions of dollars a year in salary not be enough? Because of your greed, you cost my father and thousands of other employees their jobs and their way of life. You should rot in jail for the rest of your life and never get to see your wife, kids, family, or friends ever again.

Your cell should be decorated with pictures of the kids of the people you stole from. Your cellmate should be a well hung gay man that forces you to toss his salad (with no jelly or Syrup) every night before he violates you with no lubrication. I hope he snores loudly and loves to sing Andrew Webber show tunes first thing in the morning.

Cox this

I just got off the phone with Jimothy that started with him stating;
"You've become one jaded Sonofabitch, haven't ya?"

God, I miss that man.

He, Ali, and Autumn are doing just fine.

Don't be surprised if he starts one of these blogs things soon.

Heart this

I guess this is what you get for being a Jacket.

Didn't know this

Robin Leech started the Food Network. I did not know that.

Onto the latest saga of the retail world.

In every Smingular Wireless store there is a Smellsouth Representative. These "representatives" don't really work *for* Smellsouth. They in fact work for a marketing company hired by Smellsouth.

The next time you come into store and one of these people start talking to you, stop what you are doing and yell, "NO, I will not make out with you!!!"

These people are paid to talk you into combining your cell phone and home phone bills promising a discount. This leads to your bill becoming screwed beyond comprehension and your anger becoming my problem. Do NOT talk to these people.

They rotate these people though the different stores, so every 3rd or 4th day we meet some new-overzealous-right-out-of-college kid trying to make his/her mark on the world. We got a new guy today named Smaaron. I'm sure if he wasn't in here disturbing me and my clients, he would be a nice enough guy. But he is and thus I don't like him.

After arriving today he decided that I cared about him and what he had to say. He sat down at my desk and started talking to me. I did nothing to invite him over or to encourage the conversation. He proceeded to tell about his recent company trip to Miami. As if I care.

Then he decides that we should talk about the recent courthouse shootings. During the ten minute period of time, my eyes never wavered from my computer screen while I trashed this guy on the internet.

Sell this

Dave has talked recently about co-workers bringing in their kids swag (E.G. wrapping paper)to sell at work.
Tony wrote about the Girls Scouts selling their cookies at his doorstep.

My turn.

This afternoon while watching UF kick the shit out of UK, I looked towards the window and noticed a kid staring in at me. PEEPING TOM!!! PEEPING TOM!!!

At this point my dog, seven pounds of pure fury, notices him and lunges off of the couch to the chair where she can properly give this kid a talking to.

I go outside where I notice a box of chocolate at his feet and ask, "Can I help you?"

Mumbling kid: YouwannabuysomechocolatetoletthefutureleadersofAmerica?

(Parents, I, in general, have no problem helping out the kiddies, but before you send your kids out onto my doorstep, please realize that if you don't teach them how to speak correctly, I will.)

Me: Excuse me?

Mumbling kid: SIGH!!!YouwannabuysomechocolatetoletthefutureleadersofAmerica?

Me: I know that you want to sell me something, I see the box at your feet, but I can't understand the words that are coming at of your mouth. What are you raising money for?

Kid: The future leaders of America.
(AH-HA!!! He can speak!!!)

Me: Ok, do you live in the neighborhood?

(He shakes his head "no" at first but then thinks that I'll only buy if he lives in the neighborhood, his head shaking turns quickly to nodding. Regardless of his lying, I can appreciate that he is trying, but he just sealed his fate.)

Me: Oh, you do? Then your parents must know that there is a large sign at the entrance to our subdivision that says "NO SOLICITING". It is also written in the Homeowners Association Laws.

(The kid starts to bend over to get his chocolate.)

Me: And for future reference, don't peek in people's houses before you ring the bell, it's really not nice. To see if someone is home, just ring the doorbell, if we want to talk to you, we'll open the door. Have a nice day and good luck.

Kid: Bye


Some of you might think I was cruel, harsh, or a jackass to this kid who was just trying to raise money for whatever trip or prize he was trying to earn. Being the heartless SOB that I am, I was not going to reward his peeking in my house or his mumbling English with a sale.

Funny side note: As I was writing this, the doorbell rang again. My first thought was, "shit, the kid's back and he brought his 300 pound Dad." I peaked through the peep hole and saw a mini-van in the street and below me was the most dreaded site to a man home alone with no cash; A Girl Scout. Turns out I didn't even get the option to turn her down. She was delivering the cookies that my wife had already ordered.

Walken this

Mike sent me this link and personally, I find it absolutly hysterical. I had no idea that the cowbell could be taken so seriously as to invite this monstrosity on the world. Make sure you click on the link in the lower right hand corner to experience all the joy this can bring.

Blog this

First of all, piss on Blogger for the comment debacle.

Stacy, I am a big fan of boobs in possible everyway except one. When boobs become used as a means to deliver food. Then, I shiver a bit at the thought. So, no I don't like women breast feeding in public.

Whitney, your recent post was terrific. And you are absolutely right. Alcohol and caffeine are next. After all the government s just trying to protect us and they know best.

Gas this

During lunch today I discovered that a light had stopped working in the car.

Which light you ask?

The one that lights up when you are out of gas.

Explode this

I swear to God I'm going to kill someone by the end of my retail career here at Smingular Wireless.

The level of corporate bullshit is reaching an exponential level far superior than anything I have ever experienced. Yes, the level has even surpassed Smaul Smamer and the Smassic Smenter.

I could try and explain exactly why, but you wouldn't care and I don't have the energy to explain so I'll bitch about something else.

This lady just called the store and she spoke very little English. See here for my opinion on that. I could not communicate with her at all. Here is the conversation.

RRS: Hello, can I help you?
Dumbass that speaks no English: Yes, phone in Kmart
RRS: Excuse me?
DA: Phone in Kmart, put by door.
RRS: I'm sorry I don't understand
DA: (obviously frustrated with my lack of ability to read her mind: PHONE IN KMART, PUT BY DOOR
RRS: Look, I'm sorry but in order for my to understand you; you are going to have to use more words than that.
DA: DROP PHONE IN KMART
RRS: Oh, you dropped your phone in Kmart?
DA: NO, found phone in Kmart, put by door.
RRS: You found a phone in Kmart?
DA: Yes, put by door
RRS: What do you mean "put by door"?
DA: Phone by door
RRS: (GOD DAMN IT) What do you mean?!?!?!?
DA: Phone by door
RRS (Light bulb goes click) Did you put the phone you found in Kmart by our door?
DA: YES!!!!
RRS: Uhmmm, ok, thanks.
DA: Goodbye (slamming the phone down)

Guess what, there was no phone by the door.

Don't ask

The 10 Dog Commandments (from a Dog's view)

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be very painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment. I HAVE ONLY YOU!!!

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when it's speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT!!!

7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily break the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right kind of food, I've been out in the sun too long, or my heart may be getting old and weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You too, will grow old.

10. Go with me on difficult Journeys. Never Say "I can't bear to watch it" or, "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for ME if you are there. Remember, I LOVE YOU.

Vote this

In an effort to get what they want, but not bear any re-election consequences for their actions; 9 members of the Athens/Clarke County commission signed and sent a letter to the State Legislature asking them to pass a statewide 24-hour ban on indoor smoking in public places.

Chicken shit politicians.

I voted against the current Mayor, Heidi Davidson. My job security at the time was greatly determined by which politicians were in office. The incumbent had been great to my employer, but the hippy citizens of Athens bound together and voted him right out of office. In addition, I thought, as did a few of us, that Heidi would be your stereotypical liberal mayor, "save every tree", "don't assist in the development of new business", and "damn the convention center".

Turns out I was wrong. (Ever been wrong?, happened to me.) Heidi was been a very even keeled Mayor. Recently, some of the commissioners have pushed for a 24-hour smoking ban. Heidi shot that down and has refused to put it the agenda. She believes that more time should be taken to study what impact the current partial smoking ban has had on businesses. Way to go Heidi!!! An elected official thinking before acting, nice change of pace

So back to the letter. There are 9 commission members (everyone but David Lynn) that want this ban passed without taking the time to see the impact that the current one has had. They don't care about local businesses. They are jumping the gun and taking away the rights of it's citizens. Government should not legislate what you can or can't do when the activity itself is legal.

Instead of raising the level of public debate on smoking in it's own jurisdiction, they have circumvented the system and have voiced their opinion to the state law making body. If the state legislature passes this at the urging of the ACC Commission, then the commissioners aren't going to let themselves be held responsible for this in the next election.
I can hear them know.

"WE didn't pass the ban, the state did."

Chicken shit politicians.

Cure this

Yesterday it was reported that a 60 year man with Type I Diabetes was cured.

CURED!!!

I know that I will one day will have this disease, it runs in my family and I have a bad case of Hypogylcemia. Needless to say, I'm thrilled beyond words. Go Doctors!!!

Now go make this procedure affordable for the masses and then get on cancer's ass.

Quote this

Kit is here, no, not the percussionist, the other one.


Martha Stewart when asked by a reporter what she missed while in prison,

"These are my first lemons. I really missed them. I'm looking forward to making hot lemonade. It's the one thing they didn't have in Alderson (her prison)."

Someone asked what else she missed.

"Lemons..............family and friends. But I could see my family....Alderson didn't have lemons."

Can someone please hit her upside the head?

If I am ever encarcerated, and charges will probably be either "drunk and disorderly" or "failure to yield at yet another stop sign"; when I am released from prison, I hope that I will be able to rattle of a few hundred things I missed before I get to citrus fruit.


I was news surfing and I came across a story here in Georgia that tickled my funny penis (bone, penis, get it? ha ha ha).

The police busted a cocaine and prostitute ring in Northeast Georgia. The drug and hoo-hoo solicitors were running these crimes out of a funeral home in Athens. I had no clue that I could go to a funeral and leave happy. Picture this; You go up to the casket to pay your final respects and do a quick line off of the deceased's coffin.

Then I imagined what it must be like to be a *customer* of a whore house run out of a funeral home. Do you do it in the casket? And if so, is the lid opened or closed?

Employ this

I just got back from an application session.

It was in response to a posting placed on AJCjobs.com. It was for an event manager (something I'm good at) and it said to apply in person, between certain hours on a certain day.

I got all dolled up, buffed my head (no, not that one, you sickos), shaved my face, and tied a very good Windsor knot. I drove the speed limit, made complete stops at all stop signs and lights of the crimson persuasion and arrived safely at the hotel.

I walked into the HR area, where I was given a clipboard and was told to fill out the pertinent information. After completing my application, I turned it in and was told that no more interviews were to be given today, but if they were interested they would call me. My inner monologue was about to explode.

It was screaming things like, "Jesus Fuck!!! That's two hours of my life (showering, dressing, driving, waiting, filling out the forms) that I'll never get back."

While I was thinking of ways to enact my revenge, she glanced down at my resume that I had neatly tucked into my application. Upon reading that I had coordinated almost every type of event possible, she said, "Oh, it looks like you have some experience."

NO SHIT LADY!!! Do most people just go around applying for jobs that they don't know how to do? I don't show up at a hospitals looking for a job as a nurse or doctor, do you?!?!?!?!?

She said I'll get a call this Thursday or Friday so they can interview me. Well, that's something.

In entertainment news, I think we'll all sleep better tonight knowing that this is behind us.

Bad Link, no biscuit.................this

The link in the previous post has gone bad. So a description.

The link took you to the site, www.savetoby.com. It featured a very cute bunny rabbit that was being held ransom by a man who claimed to love Toby very much. But on an up coming date, Toby was going to die. The owner was going to take Toby to the local butcher and eat him for dinner if people didn't donate at least $50,000 to keep him alive. I laughed. And then I laughed some more.

The whole site is false and you can read about it here.

Dooce this

To give credit, Brett posted this originally. I think he did this to upset my wife and to ensure that I do not receive any marital pleasure in the near future. She is still crying in the bathroom.

I, on the other hand, think this is one of the funnier things I have seen in quite a while. Click here to see what all the crying is about.


Tony passed along this comment yesterday.

"Incidentally, the girl interviewed for that article, Heather Armstrong, runs a blog that is nothing short of monumental. If you don't read it every day, you should. In the categories, under "DOOCED," you can read all the entries about her getting canned. Once you read what she said about her coworkers, it's not surprising they fired the shit out of her. Still, her blog rules."

I read a bit of dooce.com and Tony is very right. In addition to the "Dooced" category, she has two additional ones that were great and at times very funny. I repeatedly laughed my ass off. One category is "Poop" and the other is "Boobs". My two favorite topics of all time.

Say What Again, I Dare Ya..........this

I would never go to France and proceed to get pissy with a waiter that brought me Beef Tartare when I ordered a water with lemon. It's my fault for being in a foreign country and not learning their main language. (Definition; "Main Language"= the language that is most often spoken on the TV of the country you are in at that time.)

Going to a foreign land with no knowledge of the language is stupid and disrespectful to the inhabitants of that country.

With that in mind...............

Dear people who don't speak English but are determined to live in America,

Learn to speak Mother-Fucking English!!!

And to be perfectly clear, I am not being a racist here. It's a fundamental survival skill. Want a job in mainstream America? Learn English. Want to become a citizen of America? Show me some English. Want me to fix your phone? Learn English.

I can't help you or your phone if you don't speak to me in the language that I know. And in addition, how dare you cop an attitude with me for not knowing Ugandanize. MY country, MY language.
I promise I will learn your language.............if and when I go to Uganda.

Sincerely,
Me

Women this

It is an odd coincidence that the day I finish reading The DaVinci Code is also the same day as International Women's Day.

In my opinion, the book as a work of fiction was pretty weak. Example; every time the main character hits a dead end, wait three paragraphs and the answer will magically come to him.

However, the historical data that the book represents is pretty amazing, enough so, that I'm know going to go find a non-fiction book or two on the subject.

So that's my recent brain fodder, I need something new to read. Any suggestions? I think I want to re-read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was one of my favorite books growing up and it has been turned into a movie that will open this May.

Good news, A company in Gwinnett called me today wanting to set up an interview with their GM for an interview. Bad news, during the phone call the salary was revealed and I wonder if commuting to Gwinnett is going to be worth it. But at least someone is interested, right?

SEC this

This is a cute AJC article about who will win the upcoming SEC Tourney and why.

Make sure your scroll down to the end to see Georgia's chances.

Hagood this

Thoughts of the Day

If you're ever in a classroom setting with a woman who pulls out her breast and starts to feed her baby, don't say, "Did you bring enough to share with the whole class?" Sure, it's a funny line, but if she answers, "Yes," you're pretty much going to *have* to drink it.

At first I was really mad when my toilet broke, but then I had to consider how I normally treat it.

Thoughts of the day by Hagood.net

more this

Two more things

1) If you reside in Athens, Jon Heder, the star of Napoleon Dynamite is going to speak tonight at 7:30 at the Tate Center.

and.........
2) If you can't trust Social Services.........really, who *can* you trust.

From the land up north

Another friend joins us

Scott

Funkle this

Blogger is doing some weird things.
If you have a link to this site please make sure it's still working. Thanks.


Thanks to Bryan, Funkle Ester's website is undergoing a major renovation and the renovation is still in progress.

Check it out and give us some feed back.

An accident

Last weekend a friend and former co-worker of mine named Ryan Hicks was hit by a car on I-85.

His Mom says, "He fractured his right leg and had some muscle damage (they will be operating on that soon), has a hairline fracture on his right ankle, broke his arm very close to the shoulder joint, dislocated his other shoulder, broke one of his back shoulder bones, and fractured his skull."

That was what they knew of last week. Since then the doctors have found some other things broken like the bones above his eyes. To top it all off; he has contracted a touch of Pneumonia due to an infection and the breathing tube.

Now for the *really* bad news.
He has no health insurance of any kind. None, Zip, Zilch, Zero, None.

His Mom started a blog that is linked to the right.
You can check on his progress there and keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

If you feel like it you can donate some money to his health fund, the details for that are here.

This guy is just like any of us, a decent human being that enjoys time with his friends and family while being a smart ass the entire time. Please keep him and his family in mind for the next few weeks. Thanks.

Dave this

Go read the cartoon Dave put up here.

I wonder if my boss will let me display it on my desk at the retail job.

Slow this

It seems to be a slow day on the blogsphere, truth be told, it's been a slow day on the retail front as well.

Gunner has announced the winners of the first annual haiku contest. Congrats to Mike "I Hate Kansas" Knight on the win.

No big plans for the weekend, Dave D and I are going to break in a new sports bar around the corner from our house. It's only been open a few weeks and the parking lot has been full every night.

Thank God Martha is home safe and sound. For the first time in five months I'll be able to sleep well.

Gates this

Everyone who has read this knows of the impending breakup between myself and Bill Gates. It's been a long time coming but he has just hurt me too many times. First, it was the the adware, spyware, and viruses, then it was the Service Pack 2 debacle from which I am still recovering.

But someone has gone far beyond the stupidity of Bill Gates and her name is Queen Elizabeth. Today she knighted Bill in a private ceremony. She could have saved herself some time by simply putting out a letter that says,

Dear world,
This knighting thing that we've been doing for hundreds of years now is a big fucking joke.

Red this

Got butter?

Roof this part tres

This morning I was rudely awakened by the sounds of footsteps on the roof. In my haziness I ran downstairs to see if it was Santa. Nope it was the roofer, a full hour and a half early. Thanks Findlay Roofing.

I stumbled downstairs and met the guy outside. He apologized for being early and hoped he didn't disturb me. Too Late. He didn't find anything other than hail damage (great), so he assumed that the leak must be coming from around the flashing. He put a seal of polyurethane around the flashing area. Hopefully that's it.

Part I didn't like: when he reached into the gutters and pulled out a large handful of shingle debris, obviously knocked off from the recent hail storm. It was then that I looked up and saw that half of my shingles looked like shit. It's not an urgent fix, just another thing to put on the to-do list. Damn it!!! Part of me wants to go back to living in an apartment.

Read this

Tonight I was told that I have gained a recent reader that I didn't have before a few days ago. This person is someone I respect and has been very influential in my life, but knowing that he is reading this and that I often use his least favorite word; the thought of self censorship has come to mind.

My parents know I have a blog, but I don't know if they read it. I have never given them the address, but it is easy enough to find. They are also not a big fan of the F-word or the S-word, but my Mom does like saying "jack-ass", mainly when referring to me or my brothers.

For the past couple of hours, the thought of what to do in order to make this a more "family-friendly" site has been on the top of my head. In order to figure this out, I needed to figure out why I started doing this in the first place.

This was started as a creative outlet and a place in which to learn a bit about how to create via the written word and hopefully learn a bit about how to change/create/maintain a website (minus the whole hosting thing).

It is something different now. It is still a place in which to try and be creative, it is still where I try and apply things learned about HTML and other web apps. (I still don't get RSS, feel free and try and explain it to me.) But, it is a little more now. It has morphed into a place where we get to exchange ideas, thoughts, but most importantly, what goes on in our everyday lives.

It is a way to stay in touch and those thoughts of what toddler Eva learned, or what stupid thing a B-ball Band member did, or a play-by-play of dumping beer down a shower, or driving to Colorado with the woman you love, or living in Memphis, or selling bras, or stories of servicing Snobb County soccer Moms.

Can I sensor that? Of course not.

So, now the question of how to look my father-in-law in the eye the next time I see him. Might I mention that he is 6'5" and built. My only option if he and I ever got into it, would be to run like the dickens, 'cause I got him in the "functional knee" department.

So................

Dear Mom, Dad, and father-in-law,

Thanks for reading this trivial website. You have stumbled across the rarely smart but mainly rambling thoughts in my head.

I respect your opinions and what you think. With that said, I have to be true to what I think and believe and yes, that includes using words that you might not necessarily care for. Sorry about that, but cussing is fun. Not so much the speaking or writing it, but watching people's reaction to it.

If you like what you read here, great!!! If you don't, then please feel free to "turn the channel" so to speak. It is, after all, your choice to read this. The only thing I ask is don't look at me funny the next time you baby sit the dog or come over to help with a home improvement project.

Thanks,

Me

Flying this

What would be the most important part of a non-stop plane trip around the world?

Food? Nope, the whole trip is going to be about 90 hours.
Water? Sure take some, you might get thirsty.
Anything else?

Oh yeah the fucking fuel!!!!

Firefox this

Dump IE!!!

Dump it I say!!!

Right now, go here and get this wonderful thing called Firefox.

Firefox might be the best thing this machine has ever seen (besides girl-on-girl -on-girl-on-girl-on-guy-on-goat porn)

Obviously faster, and the "Open in tabs" button for bookmarked pages is very nifty.

Thanks for the advice, is there anything else I should have that I didn't know about?

IE/Firefox this

Can anyone explain to me (small words preferred) about the current Firefox hullabaloo?

I am so close to actually hating Microsoft it's not really funny. But I want to know what I'm getting into (both good and bad) before taking another leap away from Gates' checking account.

Comment away if you know anything.

Retail this

In the ongoing saga that is my job in retail, I just have to share with you the story of the raging hormonal bitch that came into the store this morning.

She strutted in wearing a turquoise jacket and had obviously been to the tanning bed recently. She is the epitomy of Snobb County.

She received a bill for 800 dollars was upset that her bill was so high. The problem is that her bill was correct.

If you keep your house at a toasty 80 degrees then be prepared to get an outrageous gas bill, it's that simple.

Was she polite about it? Did she want to understand? Did she even come close to being a decent human being? Of course not. She cussed and swore and all and all made a large specticle out of herself. At one point, she said; I always get my way and I'm not paying this fucking bill, you are going to fix it." This went on for about 10 minutes. God, I love retail.

I did not have the pleasure of helping this *woman*. I don't know if I could have been as nice as my co-worker who simply ended the conversation by saying; "We're done."

In keeping with Snobb County and the people who live here. My mom who teaches at a private school had these two jems to share with me that I should pass along to you.

A pilot giving a lecture to one of the classes asked;

"Where is the worst part of the plane to sit in?"

If you or I were to answer this question we would say, "Near the engine" Very good, that is the correct answer.

One of the kids raised his hand and answered;

"Coach"

Second story:
A military officer, decked out in his dress whites, speaking to a class, when a little girl leaned over to my Mother and said; "Doesn't he know you shouldn't wear white after Labor day."

Sweet Evil Jesus!!! What kind of kids are being raised in Snobb County!!!