Every year of college I spent the better part of March following the Women's (and sometimes Men's) basketball teams around the nation for the NCAA Tourny. There was one game where I believe one fan made a difference. He got in the opposing players' heads to such an extent that they were laughing at the free throw line. The game was never close, but Warren T had such an impact on one women's collegiate basketball game that he deserved a line in the box score. And now he has a
blog.
For the past week I felt a discomforting feeling emanating from my left testicle. Not pain, but just discomfort. I checked out the offending appendage and to my dismay I felt something that shouldn't be there. A lump or mass if you will. I jumped on the internet trying to figure out what kind of doctor I should see. I found a doctor, did some research on him, called his office on Monday and made an appointment for today.
I woke up this morning with knots in my stomach. Nervous doesn't begin to describe it. I had images of how to tell my parents and friends. I wondered about surgeries, chemo, what songs I wanted played at my funeral, and basically every other nightmare scenario you could think of.
I walked into the waiting room, filled out the appropriate forms, sat down with an outdated issue of SI and looked around the room. The other ten patients looked about as happy to be there as I was. You could see the look in each others eyes that said, "We're all about to have our stuff yanked on by the same guy." Not a happy bunch at all.
In the midst of waiting a pharmaceutical sales rep walked in. Suit and tie and with a very large canvas bag with the word
LEVITRA proudly emblazoned on the side. Can this get worse?
I waited for about ten minutes until I was asked to come back. The nurse led me directly to the bathroom where she instructed me to pee into a cup. I looked at her and plainly said, "That's not what hurts." She laughed, which was not my intent and said that they send the sample off to the lab for tests. Ok. Well then here comes the question of how much urine does the lab need. She didn't specify and there was no line on the cup. So I put my Diet Coke from lunch to good use. I filled it up. I can only imagine her face when she stopped by to pick it up later.
After making my deposit I was taken to an exam room. Exam room number 2 to be exact. I waited about five minutes before the doc came in. We made small talk for all of about 30 seconds before he said, "Ok, let's drop your drawers and see what going on." No dinner, no glass of wine, no talk about what we each want from life, nothing. I drop trau and he proceeds to go to town on the boys, complete with the "cough".
After what seems like an eternity, more like 40-50 seconds max, he looks up and says that it's nothing. I have an inflammation of the epididymis, called epididymitis, which he said was quite common. It's nothing you catch, it's just something that happens, like "a really bad cold" he said. So I had to ask, "If' it's as common as a really bad cold, then how come I have never heard of it before?" His reply; "How many male friends to you have that discuss the health of the testicles." Touche senior doctor, touche.
Final tally
$25 - Insurance co-pay
1 - Still sore testicle from being repeatedly squeezed
1 - antibiotic
Peace of mind....fucking priceless