According to this AJC article, 400 new laws go into place on July 1. I won't even comment on the sheer volume of new laws, but instead look at three the AJC printed. Block quotes quoted from the article.

GUNS
Georgians with carry licenses will be able to tote concealed guns
on public transportation, into restaurants that serve alcohol and into state
parks.

It takes three months and multiple background checks to obtain a concealed weapons permit so I'm ok with the public transportation and park portions of the law. However, guns and alcohol should never even be in the same sentence much less in and on the same person at the same time. I'm a gun person and I'm for more freedoms, but I won't lie. That freaks me out.

BOOZE
Georgians may buy wine over the Internet or by phone directly from
wineries. They also may take half-finished bottles of wine they ordered at
restaurants home with them. Wineries will be able to sell beer and wine in
tasting rooms. And limousine companies will be able to sell customers alcoholic
beverages.

Insert smile here.

CRIME
It will be a felony to be caught driving without a license four or more times in five years, and the first conviction will require a minimum two-day jail sentence.

A two day jail sentence?!?!?! For forgetting my license? Re-ding-dong-fucktard-diculous.

Things I learned from Creative Loafing

With Georgia Girl out of town I get bored very easily and last night ended up at Wild Wing for a cocktail. While snacking on celery, sipping a gin and tonic, and reading the Loaf; here's what I learned.

Sweetwater's "Happy Ending" is a triple dry hop imperial stout.

Vatica is now on my list of restaurants to try.

Government Mule is playing Masquerade on August 9th. Have they fallen off? Masq. seems like such a small venue for them. Perpetual Groove opens. I didn't even know they were still around.

Sweetwater is currently working on a new beer called; "Motor Boat" No other details listed.

Old 97's will be playing Variety Playhouse on Tuesday July 22nd.

Kingsized is still around too! Variety Playhouse August 14th.

Idina Menzel, of Wicked and Rent fame, is playing Chastain in July.

Bob Saget was at The Tabernacle this past weekend.

Free Tickets!

I have 2 passes (good for 2 people each) for tonight's advanced screening of Gonzo; The Life and work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson for anyone who wants them.
7:30 PM, Landmark's Midtown Art.

I <3 Cupertino

In the middle of transcribing the ESPN Clarinet chaos from Tuesday's night game, I felt something odd under my right pinkie finger. Looking down to the keys I discovered my shift key had split in half. No noise, no drama. Just broke vertically and almost perfectly down the middle. It was still firmly attached to the keyboard but broken none the less.

First thing this morning I punched up my Apple Care agreement online and dialed 1-800-APL-CARE. After waiting on hold for about 2 minutes Stephen took my call. He was ever so pleasant and his voice sounded eerily similar to their computer voice that assists in navigating the various menus when calling in.

After hearing the details of my shift key, Stephen said that because of my Apple Care agreement, they would be more than happy to fix my laptop free of charge. He didn't grill me about what happened he didn't even ask another question pertaining to the computer. He took me at my word and began the process of getting my laptop fixed.

By the end of the phone call Stephen had assured me that everything would be ok and soothed every worry I had with his calming voice. If Stephen had been helping me in person, I would have humped the hell out of him to show my appreciation.

The DHL box is en route and the shipping and repair will soon commence.

It's rather amazing that the cable modem fails and my laptop takes a dive at the same time.

Boy Scouts

I am a proud Eagle Scout. It's an award I really owe to my Dad for kicking my butt to finish the paper work with only days to spare. With that said, I agree with Penn.

Edited: The video isn't showing up in Google Reader. Visit my blog for the video.

NSFW

ESPN; The Worldwide Leader in Music

It's the 2nd game of the College World Series Finals, top of the thirds inning, runners on first and second with one out. UGA is leading 4-0. The announcers, Mike Patrick and Oral Hershiser were calling a perfectly normal game when they have the following conversation.

Oral Hershiser: (Talking about the logistics of a pitch) ...you actually get your fingers to the top of the ball, makes the ball spin and go down with the correct trajectory.

Mike Patrick: Saxophone?

OH: No instrument.

MP: Drums?

OH: Bad clarinet in 7th grade. Couldn't even suck on the reed the right way and get it to put it on the instrument to make it work.

MP: It's because you weren't supposed to suck on it. You were supposed to make it vibrate.

OH: No, you're supposed to like, you're supposed to moisten it before you put it on your horn.

MP: Of course you are, but I played the clarinet and saxophone.

OH: I would start chewing it. You know? It's like a piece of wood. It's like I couldn't just
suck on the thing and put it on the clarinet

MP: That's a tooth pick.

OH: And then to put the thing together, the three pieces, I keep bending the metal so I'd have to go up there and play with a clarinet that wasn't even lined up correctly.

MP: He does not play an instrument, thank God he could throw a baseball.

OH: Well, I didn't want to play the instrument.

MP: The bunt is popped up......

Life has been fairly mundane recently. Nothing bad at all, just living the dream and enjoying the ride.

Like any Dawg fan I'm disappointed in the outcome of the last two nights of the CWS. But also very proud. The UGAA has had an amazing year and this is another feather in the cap and not a negative. ESPN, and their biased reporting can however, suck it.

That also goes for Joe Buck.

And also James Dobson. Look, I've been a Christian, I've worked for the church and I know how this works. If you are a Christian, then you also believe that the Bible is the holy word of God and you have to take the book in its entirety. You, Mr Dobson, can not edit the word of God for your own interests, so stop Obama hating.

And Tech fans that comment on UGA baseball stories. Do they not remember that they lost to UGA in the playoffs?

I am taping every episode of The View this week. But only because there are taping in Vegas and having awesome Vegas-y guests.

I made Garrett Vonk's jalapeno meatloaf and it was delicious.

I will be transcribing the entire "clarinet reed" conversation Oral Hershiser and Mike Patrick had on the air last night. When it comes to play by play reporting, ESPN needs to press the reset button. Also, a new makeup person for Erin Andrews.

I'm watching a recorded episode of Conan and the Drive By Truckers are performing. I've never gotten into them; although I feel that I should have at some point.

More Skirts!!!

Athens-Banner Herald reporter, Tricia Spaulding, put together a two minute pictorial from the Skirts' performance this past Saturday. Needless to say, I was surprised when my picture popped up.

Lol Dawg

Photo: AP

So Sad

RIP George Carlin

Modern Skirts Athfest 2008.

Modern Skirts were fantastic and I had a blast playing with them. The crowd packed out Washington Street and was loud and supportive. I had so much fun that an after show high followed me home. This, natural high, mixed with alcohol, turned me into a crazy talkative freak. I could not shut up. Sorry 'bout that.

It' s a cliche but watching the Skirts reminded me how fast time is constantly moving and also slipping away. It seems like yesterday there was a band called Founders, Feed and Seed that was playing DT's and opening for a disco cover band at Tasty World. Now that same band, with a different name, sound, and song catalog, will be flying across the Atlantic on Tuesday to open for R.E.M. and Vampire Weekend. Couldn't be happening to four nicer guys.

And my schadenfreude moment for the weekend.

I was standing in the left wing of the stage Saturday night taking pictures. I had already played my only tune for the night. The horn was packed up and I was just enjoying the show. Philip started strumming the beginning of another tune I normally play but didn't see on the set list when I hastily perused it earlier. So, it didn't click in my head that I might need to go grab my horn and perhaps, get my ass on stage. While playing the intro, Philip looks at me, smiles and sarcastically says; "You gonna join us or what?"

At this point a cartoon bubble formed above my head that read, "SHIT!" I ran backstage, unpacked my horn, blew a few quick notes, got two friends in the back stage area, and flew up the stairs with about 8 bars to spare. Note to self: Read more carefully.

And speaking of football; I was reminded of this tonight and watched it about 26 thousand times.

NSFW Video
SFW Audio

Athfest!!!

For those interested and also unfazed by current gas prices. I'll be playing a tune or two this evening with Modern Skirts at Athfest. They're headlining the main stage on Washington Street at 9:00 PM sharp. Unfortunately the Sonny to my Cher isn't able to join me tonight. Boooo work on the weekend!

This is the Skirts' last U.S. performance until they return from Europe where they're opening for R.E.M. and Vampire Weekend.

77 days...

I'm so ready for football season to be here.
HT: Georgia Sports Blog.

"Atlanta: Every day is an opening day." Part Two

About 5:20 tonight, I was filling up at the Chevron gas station at the corner of Northside Drive and West Paces Ferry when I was approached by a man. He's your standard issue white Buckhead looking preppy in his late 20s. Too much gel, too much attitude and just enough stubble. Here's the conversation as best I can remember.

Dude: (walking towards me from his BMW, full of energy), Oh! Hi! Oh Wow! You're dipping right? Oh, you're not. (Holds out his hand, I shake it.) You just have really full lips. (Who says things like that?)

Me: (Staring blankly at him)

Dude: So, check this out, me and my girl are grad students at Georgia Tech and we really need some gas. So if you can give us like three gallons that'd be awesome. And what I'll do, see here, is I'll put your number here in...my...phone (a shiny new-looking MotoKrzr).

Me: (Staring blankly at him)

Dude: So you'll help us out right? 'Cause you and I are white and we speak English. (Again slap my hand in a brotherly manner)

Me: (Still staring blankly at him. I look away and look back at him, also taking a glance around to see if there are any hidden video cameras. I look back at him.)

Dude: Ahhhh..... You're pondering the moment. (Which I totally was)

Me: Yeahhhhh....I'm gonna pass. Good luck though.

Dude: (Smacks my hand again as if to say "Come on Doggggg".) Dude....girls "pass" on sex, you can helps us out. Come on.

Me: Now you're weirding me out. Take care.

Dude: I'm weirding you out?!?!? You're weirding me out!!!!! You're the one with the shaved head mother fucker. Fucking weirdo. Why are you such a prick? Asshole Mother fucker. (Walks away grumbling; continuing to cuss at me.)

Me: (Finishing pumping gas.)

Dude: (Walks to the car behind me, approaches the passenger side window which is down and proceeds to insert his entire upper body into the care to say hello to the driver. He then removes his body from the car and speaking to the driver says)

"THAT PRICK over there (pointing at me) wouldn't help us out but you seem a lot nicer than THAT PRICK! What an ASSHOLE, I'm mean we just need some gas. What kind of FUCKING ASSHOLE doesn't help out college kids!!!

Me: (I've had it) Hey ASSHOLE!!! Good luck getting help acting like that. STAY CLASSY ASSHOLE!!!

Not my proudest moment, but I was thoroughly wigged out and didn't care for getting cussed at in public. I guess I react better to a penis waving hello than I am a Beemer driving jerk cussing at me.

Big day...

Big day. Thank you Atlanta.

Water this

Our local government recently eased some of the watering restrictions in our area. When the local media began reporting this, I heard the phrases of; "hand water", "25 minutes", "odd/even system", and "between the hours of midnight and 10 AM".

I didn't know the definition of "hand water". I assumed it meant you fill a watering can and then use it to water the lawn. When the can was empty you could refill the can and continue watering until the alloted 25 minutes had expired.

After explaining my far from correct logic to Georgia Girl, she cocked her head to the side and gave me the "What-kind-of-idiot-are-you?" look. Followed by the howls of judgemental laughter.

I took the walk of shame to the internet and found the definition;

"Hand watering is defined as one person, with one hose with an automatic shutoff
nozzle."

My funniest memories from the weekend

In no particular order.

~Drunk dialing Hagood when we knew he was at a kinky Las Vegas show.

~Being smelled by a friend who asked me what cologne I wore. When I fessed up that she was smelling deodorant she said again that I smelled good and came dangerously close to sticking her nose directly into my armpit.

~Just because they were dangling too close to my face I spontaneously licked a friend's toes just to see what would happen. She laughed so hard that tears streamed down her face.

Can't have a weekend like that too often.

I wish Troy could catch a break.

I further wish that bad things didn't repeatedly happen to good people.

That's the platform I'm running for President on.

Who's there?

My mid-morning perusal of the internet was interrupted by the doorbell. My first thought was; "Am I wearing pants?" Check. I then allowed myself to approach the front door.

I opened the door to two lovely black women in their Sunday finest; complete with parasols. They were very kind and polite and after exchanging "Good mornings", Woman A explained that she had started reading a new magazine and wanted to share it with other people.

As she began to pull the magazine out, she said that this issue was about a man named; "Moses". You can stop right there. I was in such a good mood, I didn't want to waste their time challenging them. I politely interrupted her, smiled, and said I wasn't interested.

She continued on; explaining they were Jehovah's Witnesses (to which I responded internally; "Duuuuhhhhhh") and was sharing the message of Jesus. More pearly whites from me and I repeated that I wasn't interested. She looked me up and down, silently judged me in my day-off and pre-showering attire, smiled back at me, and told me to have a nice day.

I Won!!!

The prize isn't much but I won and that's all that matters.

Last time

The Unofficial/Official RCB Alumni Event

This Saturday
8:00 PM - ???
3rd Floor of The Village Idiot
Athens, Ga

Bring your drinking face.

I don't want to know what else is rattling around in there

According to my dream last night; I won the Olympic silver medal in the 70 meter swimming event. Why 70 meters? No idea. Due to some new rules and a very short pool, you had to share your lane with another swimmer. Going left to right I got to swim on top of the water, while my lane partner swam under. On every other leg, we switched.

I lost by .018 seconds which I blamed on the drag of my swim suit. Being sponsored by Duck Head turned out to be a bad idea. The swim suit they provided was a pair of their navy blue shorts. The German who took the gold wore lederhosen on the podium. After the medal ceremony I traveled from Beijing, China to Marietta, Georgia to watch my 2nd place finish on television with my parents. I had to rewind their DVR to show them which swimmer I was.

In case you were curious, the plane flight was instant and the medal was heavier than I expected.

What if...the President of the English language held a big fancy press conference and said that the authors of the English language screwed up and a correction needed to be made. Henceforth, the words cow and fuck were going to swap meanings. From then on we would be blessed with news headlines like;

America Waits For Clinton To Cow Off

and

Fuck runs amok, kills man in Delhi

In this most unlikely of instances would fuck still be considered a "bad word"? If you were previously offended by the word fuck; would you now, out of principle, be offended when someone said cow?

What I'm getting at is my inability to understand why some people are offended by a word. Take fuck for example. How is anyone offended or hurt by the combination of two non-sensical syllables? Fu never did anything wrong. And ck is a part many words. So how is the word offensive?

If it's not the actual word that upsets people, then it must be the meaning of the word. But if the meaning of fuck disturbs you; then you must also be offended when you hear the words; sex, screw, scromp, making love, or knockin' boots; because they all mean the same thing.

Just the random thought I had at my desk today.

"Atlanta: Every day is an opening day."

As they graduated, most of my college friends left Athens while I remained behind for my first job. I would often hear from them how great and awesome it was to live in Atlanta; or as they put it, "a REAL city". They would tell me stories of living in this "REAL" city and how much better everything was and all the grand adventures I was missing.

I loved living in Athens and really didn't care about their new city and discoveries. To me, Atlanta represented horrendous traffic and overpriced bars filled with pretentious jerks.

Since relocating, I've slowly come around from abhorring the city, to loathing it, to ignoring it, to accepting it, to enjoying it. I'll still take Athens over Atlanta anyday of the week; but I do love working in Midtown and enjoying what the city has to offer.

Today, I experienced the Atlanta flavor in a whole new way. There are a few homeless in our area and we see them everyday. Most days I ignore them and some days I have to ask them to leave our block.

As I walked down Peachtree to find lunch, a homeless person was walking in my direction. As I finished crossing Ponce, he undid his fly, pulled out his penis and shook it at me.

Shook.

His penis.

At me.

Like a small kid waving hello.

Big day. Thank you Atlanta.

Yearning for zionistic freedoms

The Yearning for Zion cultists Mormons are wackier than Asian game shows, but a government that can take your children from you, sighting one unconfirmed phone call and no proof, has way too much power.

Updated: Can't directly link to photo of wacky Asian game show
http://www.diggersrealm.com/mt/archives/20050619/wacky_japanese.jpg

Just said in my house

While watching Tim Russert get positively excited about the Democratic race and Hillary stepping aside. Georgia Girl said:

"I bet he masturbates to polls."

Raise your hand if you want to visit my house.

Hey Meghan.....shut it.

There is a skinny drawer in the kitchen that is used to hold my stuff. Stuff like my keys, wallet, sunglasses, camera and other items that go with me when I leave the house. It also contains potential coupons that rarely get used, business cards I don't currently need, keys to other people's houses, various cables, and left handed scissors.

Georgia Girl uses this drawer to communicate with me. She will place items near or in the drawer that need my attention. Such as; a bill to call about, a check that needs my signature, a list of items to do or a note to tell me she's gone on a bike ride.

I loudly yelped when I saw this letter she had placed in my drawer.



Thankfully, it was addressed to my Mom and mailed to the wrong address.

Heh!

Dave and Bean's movers.

Things that make sense to me.

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen Henry Roberts

What an amazing statement.

An apology plus a letter to my doctor.

Blogger unleashed a few new features but failed to test them thoroughly. So for about an hour I lost everything, along with the ability to post. Then the content came flooding back and the multiple test posts launched into everyone's aggregators. Sorry 'bout that.

I'm slowly putting the pieces back together and everything will be back where it was by the end of the night. Hopefully I'll make some smart longterm decisions in the near future.

I've taken those test posts down and I'm reposting an earlier piece I was really proud of.


At some point in the recent past, Georgia Girl was gingerly and cautiously trying to have a conversation with me in regards to bringing forth a spawn into the world. She was walking on eggshells and gently proposed a tentative time line that I could deal with. Here's what she said and specific dates have been removed to keep me from playing in traffic.

"I thought we would "not-not try" from (starting date) to (ending date) and then start *really* trying (future date)."

After pushing the time line back a season, I loosely agreed that this could be acceptable. If there was more that was agreed upon I wouldn't know; after caving to the time line I stopped participating in the conversation. One huge life altering idea is more than enough for one day.

I shared this conversation with a friend and as I was talking, I realized that I had been viciously tricked. "Not-not trying" is a double negative. The phrase "not-not trying" really means TRYING. Holy shit!!1!!!


And that Doctor, is when my penis inverted itself.

Pic of the day

Slow news day or poorly executed undercover assignment on car washes?

A letter to my Doctor.

At some point in the recent past, Georgia Girl was gingerly and cautiously trying to have a conversation with me in regards to bringing forth a spawn into the world. She was walking on eggshells and gently proposed a tentative time line that I could deal with. Here's what she said and specific dates have been removed to keep me from playing in traffic.

"I thought we would "not-not try" from (starting date) to (ending date) and then start *really* trying (future date)."

After pushing the time line back a season, I loosely agreed that this could be acceptable. If there was more that was agreed upon I wouldn't know; after caving to the time line I stopped participating in the conversation. One huge life altering idea is more than enough for one day.

I shared this conversation with a friend and as I was talking, I realized that I had been viciously tricked. "Not-not trying" is a double negative. The phrase "not-not trying" really means TRYING. Holy shit!!1!!!

And that Doctor, is when my penis inverted itself.